Assent
by kzam
Summary: Zack is in a dysfunctional relationship with Kunsel that he's too nice to end...until he meets a tempting young cadet who he can't seem to stay away from. Breaking up is more difficult than it should be though, and lust can only take him so far when policy doesn't allow SOLDIERs to be involved with cadets.
1. Chapter 1

Hey! So this is…a side project really, based off an idea I couldn't get out of my head. A short story that will be split into roughly 6 chapters and a prologue/epilogue. I should have more up soon if anyone actually gets interested in this. Expect things to happen kind of quickly since it _is _a short story.

Set in Crisis Core, and following that series of events for the most part- probably not perfectly, but if I wanted to do that I'd probably just play the game.

**Rated M** because Cloud is a dirty, dirty boy. This story is sexually charged, but not particularly explicit. It's more implication and desire than straight up smut, so consider yourselves warned. I'd like to think it's not super out of character, but some of you may disagree. It gets explained a bit if you give it time, and if that's not satisfactory…I hope you like it anyway? ^.^

**Disclaimer: Square owns a lot. I just found that out myself.**

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

Months…

He had been hinting and teasing me for months. Practically begging.

I had deflected and evaded his advances time and time again even though I wanted nothing more than to satisfy his every demand…He must have known how I felt about him, even if I never showed him. Now though, now that I was finally ready to give in to him- to take him the way he always wanted me to…

My gaze shifted to Cloud, and I couldn't stop my heart from sinking. He was practically comatose. Those months were nothing compared to the years in that lab.

They were everything to me, though.

After everything he had done to me, I could almost hear what he would say if he were aware of what was happening…he'd tell me he was helpless, and that it wasn't fair for me to keep my hands to myself. That it was my turn to make him feel good, the way he had always done for me. My throbbing erection would agree with him no matter what my mind had to say, as it always did- treacherous bastard.

I had been bathing him and taking care of him for a few weeks now, but had somehow managed to keep that bastard in check...I was always painfully aware of it though, and I couldn't help noticing the effect my hands had on Cloud's body as well. Even without being completely aware of me he was responsive…Truly at my disposal. For some reason this only made my own arousal impossibly harder, no matter how much I berated myself.

He was so frail like this, despite the effects of the mako preserving and enhancing his muscle tone- I needed to keep that in mind, no matter how unmistakably attracted I was to him…I wanted nothing more than to strip him down and discover every inch of his body- to see the new ins and outs of it after everything that had been done to him…Would he still thrive on the same touches? I imagined he would, but finding out for sure seemed like a much better idea.

I knew him too well. He'd be more upset with me if I _didn't_.

But I couldn't. The same way I knew him, he knew me. My moral compass was working too damned well still.

Well, maybe a _little _feel. I could handle that much without going too far- really, it was a compromise.

His mouth opened just slightly in response, and my whole body came alive in anticipation. I couldn't give myself what I wanted, but I could at least take the kiss his lips were silently demanding.

A slight gasp escaped him as I nibbled his lower lip, pushing my self-control to its limit...it was nearly inaudible, and part of me was sure I imagined it...but Cloud..._my _Cloud would have made that exact sound before begging for more.

I stared at him a moment, torn between desire, logic, and the treacherous bastard between my legs. My fingers trailed through those blond locks carefully as I eyed him, taking in every tempting feature…If I crossed that line once, there was no way I could stop myself from excusing it again. Did I really know him as well as I thought I did? Would he _really _want me to take advantage of him even in this state? A lot had happened to both of us between then and now...

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

Angeal was dead.

Not just dead, he had been killed. By me.

It seemed fitting somehow, that I would be the one to take him down. He was my mentor…no one truly understood him the way I did, and no one would ever understand me the way he did. Anyone else might have thought he was a monster or a traitor- and they did, according to the reports Shinra released on the mission. To me though, he died a hero with his dreams and honor intact. Even in his death he made it a point to teach me one final lesson…Jerk. He always _did _like to go to the extreme to prove his point, so I shouldn't have been so surprised that this was no different.

Still, I couldn't help but need a hard drink after that mission. Who wouldn't? I had never been much of a drinker- I had no problem getting into trouble and goofing around without alcohol, so it seemed pointless on most days. This was a special day though, and I needed to forget it.

Unfortunately the mako in my veins was a complete nuisance when it came to getting drunk, forcing me to drink what might have given a regular person alcohol poisoning- but mako be damned, I needed to be drunk.

"You okay, man?"

I hadn't even heard anyone approach, or felt the hand on my shoulder…surely that was a good indication that my plan was working. Still, I signaled the bartender for one more drink just in case before turning to face whoever was trying their best to get my attention. Luxiere. He was a bit fuzzy, but I was fairly confident in my assessment.

"Puppy-"

"Don't call me that!" I exclaimed, not as harshly as I wanted, but I think he got the point because he took his hand off my shoulder.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I just…Are you okay, Zack?"

"Lux, I don't need your sympathy. I killed a monster, right? That's how ShinRa reported it. You should be congratulating me!" I finished my drink in record time, closing my eyes and zoning out whatever response was being offered. He was _still _talking when everything came back into focus, so I shook my head impatiently. What was so hard for him to understand about this? Obviously I wasn't interested in talking. "I'm here to have a good time, Lux. Let it go."

"I don't think this is the time to be drinking-"

My eyes had left him as he rambled, scanning the area instead. It wasn't just a bar; there were people dancing and letting loose too. I couldn't help but smile as I watched everyone…some were so ridiculously bad that I could imagine coming here sober just to watch. One though…

_Damn._

I had never seen a man move like that before. He wasn't exactly feminine, but the way he rolled those hips…it was completely mesmerizing, and I could just imagine myself standing behind him, hands on that sexy waist pulling him close…Eyes around the room were on him, fixated on his every motion. No one seemed bold enough to step in the way I had in my mind though; instead they stopped short an arm's length, not willing to initiate physical contact.

If only I knew how to dance without looking like a complete idiot, I'd certainly not be so hesitant.

Surely I had enough to drink that I could manage anyway.

It wasn't until I had my hands on him that I realized the blond locks I was breathing in were eerily familiar. How I could miss something so recognizable was either a mystery or a testament to how much I had drank- either way it only ignited my curiosity further. _This _shy, polite, quiet cadet...this was how he spent his free time? Dancing like a provocative, sexy minx in front of a group of horny, bored SOLDIERs? I could see now why no one had dared move in too close…this cadet was young, and that could be dangerous. ShinRa had policies about that kind of thing- age requirements and restrictions on SOLDIERs getting involved with cadets.

I had met this cadet before though, and despite his appearance, I knew he wasn't as young as the men in the room must have worried. And it was _just _a dance. I wasn't an expert on company policy, but it felt harmless enough. At first anyway.

He didn't seem to realize who I was yet, and that only made this more fun for me.

"Country boy, eh?"

My lips were on his ear as I spoke, and as he froze momentarily I knew he had heard me over the loud music. My words only deterred him that split second though before his hips were grinding into me again, and as my fingers dug in a bit, he looked up at me over his shoulder with the slightest smirk. I swear I saw a wink before he turned, and I was sure he must have felt my erection as he ground closer against me. Normally I might find this situation somewhat embarrassing, but in that moment, nothing mattered other than the electricity coursing between our bodies.

Cloud didn't seem to share my train of thought unfortunately…As the song changed he came to a halt, his hands caressing mine before removing them from his hips entirely. The jolt I had felt from our body contact diminished instantly, leaving a void inside me as prominent as my pulsing erection. There was no doubt about it, I wanted him. Badly. I wouldn't actually act on it, even in my lost, drunken state- but it felt nice to indulge in the thought at least. I was completely frozen where we had been standing, unaware of everything in the room except his figure as it walked away from me.

Until he turned around. A slight nod told me he wanted me to follow him, and who was I to question that? I trailed after him like a lost puppy, chuckling at the irony of that notion until it brought back the pain I had been fighting all day.

_Angeal…_

How could I possibly think of my mentor when I was staring into the biggest blue eyes that I had ever seen though? The boy was smiling at me, obviously as curious as I was about whatever charge had ignited between us on the dance floor. If he hadn't been, there was no way he would have had me follow him to a more private area of the bar. Only a few people were scattered in this room, and mostly they were couples engaging in not-so-private hook ups. I had heard things like this happened in the various bars near the ShinRa compound, but never seen it firsthand.

"Did they teach you to move like that in Nibleheim?" I teased, smiling broadly at his soft laughter. Everything about him was soft…well, almost. I made no effort to pretend I hadn't noticed his arousal, looking down at it with a smirk before meeting his eyes once more. To my own surprise, he didn't seem embarrassed in the least. I found myself reaching out, brushing a stray blond lock from his eyes as he leaned in a bit closer to me.

"Did they teach _you _to move like that in Gongaga?" he countered, his eyes scanning me as well. I winked at him when I caught his gaze again, pleased to prompt another small smile. "I have to admit, I always thought you'd be good at _everything_, but dancing might not be your thing."

I just smiled back at him, wondering what else he thought I would be good at...a very prominent part of me desperate to _show _him. "I'm not interested in dancing," I said after a moment, hoping he'd catch my hint.

"Oh? What are you interested in then?"

"You."

He smiled at this, his eyes full of life as he edged even closer. The energy between us was palpable, and I wanted to just pull him in close as he had been minutes before- to fill myself with the sensation of his body on mine. It didn't even have to be strictly sexual. Even with clothes on I was certain I could be satisfied just by his presence, even for just another moment…

"I thought you were seeing someone," Cloud said, arching an eyebrow as I frowned.

"That's….complicated," I admitted, my heart racing as he finally took the final step needed for us to be in contact once more. My hands were cupping his face before I realized it, and I found myself leaning in closer. His lips had already parted just slightly, almost inviting me to take the kiss I was craving…

"You're drunk," he whispered, his lips just barely grazing mine as he spoke. He didn't pull back even an inch though; he just kept staring up at me with intrigue after his statement.

It was my turn to let my lips just barely graze his. "Does that bother you?"

"If it doesn't bother your boyfriend, it doesn't bother me."

I didn't let him pull back, and part of me knew he didn't want to anyway. It was like his statements had just been a formality rather than a concern, and I was perfectly okay with that.

The remaining gap between us was gone, like it had never existed as our lips met in a heated flurry. To my own surprise, _he _was pushing _me _against the nearby wall, his hands wasting no time to begin exploring my upper body as we moved. I knew he was a bit feisty when we had met, but _this _was almost as shocking as the way he had been shaking his hips on the dance floor. The effects of the alcohol were slowly diminishing, but it didn't matter anymore as I let myself get lost in him. His _kiss _was more intoxicating than anything I had experienced this evening, and I didn't think twice before allowing him to tease my mouth open. The way our tongues were dancing was reminiscent of our every movement, perfectly in sync with one another...I let out an incoherent gasp as he bit my lower lip, which only seemed to encourage his every movement further. I could feel his hands inching lower down my chest, falling to my hips with just the slightest hesitation until I gripped his body closer.

"Zack!"

Hearing my name only drew my conscience back to reality…my body was lost in Cloud's grip, willing to let him do whatever he wanted to me if I could just keep feeling the surge that coursed between us. His hand had finally made its way down to my throbbing erection, offering it just one firm squeeze before all contact was ripped away prematurely. I nearly cried out in protest until I saw the SOLDIER who now stood between me and the cadet.

"This ends, now!" Luxiere exclaimed, glaring at the younger boy without remorse. Cloud's face fell into a pout, but he made no effort to challenge the SOLDIER. "Get out of here!"

"Lux, back off!" I demanded, trying to step toward Cloud only to be pushed back against the wall. My eyes went wide as I stared at my friend, shocked and annoyed by his interference. "What's wrong with you?"

"With me? What's wrong with _you_? Angeal's _dead _and you wanna get drunk and make out with some kid instead of grieving?" His words were cold, and had me sobering up even more quickly than I wanted. "What's Kunsel gonna say about this? By tomorrow morning you'd be kicking your own ass if I hadn't stopped you."

My eyes fell toward the boy's, apologetic as I stopped attempting to argue with my friend. "Cloud, I-"

He had turned his back and retreated before I could even find the words to say.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, okay, I confess it might seem a _bit _more out of character than I implied. But let's be honest. Cloud does become a badass who saves the world, right? Is it so hard to believe he'd be assertive in certain circumstances, even before he became that hero? ;-) The truth is, I like shy, quiet Cloud quite a bit, but he's been _so _timid and nervous in other stories that it drove me crazy with anticipation...and that's partially why I had to write this. I think you might feel Zack headed a bit out of character too, but that's only natural if their dynamic is different. Hopefully it ends up making sense and you like it anyway!

Anyway, I appreciate you reading, and particularly those of you who reviewed. I got my first negative review, and was a bit put off (mostly because the reason it was negative, not just the fact that it was negative), but some of your kind words really made me decide to just let it go. So, thanks! ^.^

Now...Chapter Two! I _did _say something about a dysfunctional relationship, right?

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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>

Things didn't get easier as time ticked on, even though everyone swore it would. Missing Angeal was a daily burden, and part of me knew it was because he had never truly been laid to rest. With ShinRa's refusal to accept any responsibility, he had been written off as a traitor and not a single service had been authorized to honor a man who had dedicated his life to the company. I hadn't really gotten to say goodbye, and so it almost felt like he wasn't even really gone.

I had to carry on regardless, so I took comfort in what little normality I had left; missions and friends. Unfortunately, my friends all wanted to treat me like a wounded puppy, and I just didn't want to talk about it still. My missions were enough of a reminder without their 'help'...Maybe after Genesis was gone I would be ready to stop and talk about things, but for now? I could do with more fun and less pity during my down time.

By the time I got back to my apartment, I was ready to just crash in bed and forget it all till morning. I knew better than to try to drown my sorrows at the bar at least, though the thought did bring a smile to my face when nothing else could. That night had been the most fun I'd had since Angeal's death, but admittedly the most unacceptable. What had happened with Cloud had been exhilarating, but it was wrong on so many levels.

Luckily I'd been so busy that I hadn't run into the cadet since. The thought of seeing him sent my heart racing...He'd probably be embarrassed about the whole thing, too. I could just imagine the rosy red tint on his soft cheeks...It had been so easy to make him blush the day we met. He was just like any other star struck cadet, looking to me with admiration and awe. We'd even had a perfectly normal conversation when he relaxed a bit. A good conversation.

To think _that _Cloud was the same cadet that had me pinned to a wall was mind boggling in all the right ways.

Lips were pressed to mine before I could let my mind wander further, a bit too firmly for my liking, but I didn't fight it. In fact, I even tried to return the kiss, hoping it would change my current train of thought. Nothing good ever happened if I thought about that night too much except for the inevitable masturbation, and even that left me with nothing but guilt afterward. The memory was so vivid, despite the drunken blur that had created the situation...But the lips against mine were one of at least six reasons that I shouldn't be thinking about some cadet.

The kiss felt so forced though, and after a minute I found myself giving up. At least it successfully got my mind off the cadet, but that just left me reminded that I wasn't exactly oozing with passion after my last mission. Sometimes being a SOLDIER was more of a burden than anything, forcing us to witness harsh realities and experience impossible loss. At least Kunsel shared that and could understand I wasn't in the right state of mind for what he wanted- if I just remained unresponsive for another minute he'd take a hint.

Maybe a couple minutes this time...His hands were cupping my dick through my pants as he tried his best to capture my interest, but to no avail. Part of me _wished _my body would respond to his touch; it'd be so much easier to let out some of my frustration in bed than to just think about everything. I couldn't help it though, I just wasn't in the mood to be with him like that.

"Rough mission?" he asked, looking just a bit disappointed as he finally pulled back.

"They're all rough lately," I admitted, letting out a short sigh.

"I kinda miss Zack the Puppy Fair…You've been so serious lately."

His tone was playful, but I didn't hold back a glare as my eyes met his. "Didn't I ask you to stop calling me that?"

Why was it so hard for people to understand? I was _Angeal's _Puppy...without him around, the endearment was lost.

"Zack, I'm just trying to-"

"Well stop _trying_!" I ran a hand through my hair before turning away from him, ready to say something I would almost certainly regret. "I just need some time, Kunsel."

"How much time? Because I think I've been pretty patient and understanding already, and all you've been doing is pushing me away," he said, his voice harsh at first but softening slightly as he continued.

He was right. He had been completely understanding...not once had he pressured me to talk about Angeal, despite letting me know he was there if I needed him. While the rest of my friends were concerned I wasn't grieving properly, he tried to give me what I needed- fun and distraction. What more could a guy hope for? He was the perfect boyfriend.

For some reason that just made it more frustrating though. Even when I _knew _he was right, I couldn't let it go.

"What are you really mad about? My lack of enthusiasm, or the fact I won't have sex with you?"

"Well, considering the fact you basically had sex with some cadet in a _bar _last week when we haven't done it in a month, I don't really feel bad saying both! You're supposed to be _my_ boyfriend!"

I spun around, standing dangerously close to him as I stared down. "Let's get one thing straight. Boyfriend or not, you don't get to be mad at me for not having sex with you. And I already told you what happened at the bar! I was drunk and Angeal had just-" I choked on my own words, cursing the tears that had begun to puddle in my eyes. "I don't need to explain myself again."

"You're right…You don't." His arms were around me despite my protest, holding me close as the tears began to fall freely. I didn't wrap my arms around him, but that didn't seem to stop him from rubbing my back as I stood there pathetically. _I _had cheated on _him..._Whatever the reasons or circumstances were, I had no right to be angry with him about it. "I'm sorry. You're just hard to be around sometimes. Every time I see you I want you, even when I can't have you. I know you're going through a lot, and I shouldn't have acted that way."

Why did he have to be so understanding?

The truth was, I felt as ready and willing as ever on most days. Angeal being gone had hit me hard, but my sex drive had recovered pretty quickly after my encounter with Cloud. The problem was…nothing seemed to spark my interest the way the cadet had, even when I wanted it to. Waking up with a raging erection and thoughts of a sexy young cadet was a serious problem…By the time I could even get to Kunsel's, the feeling was lost, and any attempt to replicate it was impossible.

Kunsel and I were just…

Well, we were never supposed to be in an official relationship to begin with. The entire thing had been an accident that went a bit too far. One day we're just friends experimenting with each other, the next he's telling everyone we know that I'm his boyfriend. How do you tell your closest friend you thought you were just messing around when he looks at you with such hope? It was a question that had plagued my mind for so long that I almost didn't hear it anymore.

Part of me _wanted _to like Kunsel as much as he liked me, and thought maybe I could eventually. He had always been a good, reliable friend. Without him around my entire adjustment to ShinRa and SOLDIER would have been so much worse…his input and advice were invaluable. Romantically though? He just didn't catch my attention. He was attractive enough, but there was no spark between us. Training with Angeal consumed so much of my time that a relationship wasn't a priority anyway.

When he had suggested we just fool around to see what it was like, it had seemed like a fairly simple decision to me. I wasn't oblivious to what my body wanted even if I didn't feel a romantic connection to anyone. If I had known it would turn into something more than just trying things out, I would have never agreed. For a long time I had felt horrible for not clearing it up with him, but eventually it just became normal. There were plenty of days when I planned out what to say to him, or intended to be blunt and break it off...something always happened though. He'd look at me with just the right amount of fondness or say the sweetest thing that would convince me to wait just a bit longer. It wasn't like I didn't enjoy his company; he was one of the best people I knew.

Plus there was always the chance I could grow to care about him the way he cared for me. Every time he'd smile at me I would wait to see if I finally felt that flutter- I'd pray for it to come along and this to all make sense.

A year later, I was still waiting.

"I think I want to be alone for a while," I told him finally, a bit perturbed that he was still hugging me. I felt conflicted about our relationship, and the guilt was definitely at an all time high after what happened with Cloud...but I needed to be firm about this. If I were going to be with someone halfheartedly, I couldn't let them snap at me because I didn't want to have sex...Even if I had practically baited him into saying it. I had to draw the line somewhere, right? He didn't seem to really grasp my words though, his hands trailing my back slowly. "Kuns, seriously."

His arms dropped from my body at these words, and I could see the hurt in his eyes as he took a single step back. "Okay."

The guilt was too much. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"You don't need to apologize. Like I said, you're going through a lot. _I'm _sorry." He paused a moment, looking a bit hesitant under my gaze. "Zack, I love you."

My eyes went wide, and I couldn't help but wonder which part of this conversation had given him any indication that this would be a good time to make such a statement. Surely it wasn't an actual confession…love was deeper than whatever we shared. It was mutual. It wasn't possible for him to love me as anything other than a friend.

"Kuns, I…" There was no way I could say it back, even if I had _wanted _to appease him. "I'm not there yet," I confessed, my gaze faltering.

"I know. And that's okay. I've always known that I felt this a bit more than you," he told me slowly, causing me to frown a bit. "But I still wanted to tell you. When you're ready to talk or if you just want someone to sit in silence with…you know where to find me."

Before I could speak again he was gone, leaving me standing alone and awkwardly in the middle of my apartment.

_This is bad…_

I should have broken up with him. If I hadn't even gotten to the point where I _liked _him that way, how could I ever end up loving him back?

But how do you break up with someone who just told you they _loved _you? I mean, that would be the ultimate slap to the face. He was my best friend despite it all- I couldn't do that to him. I'd either have to find a better time, or hope that one day I could feel the same. That hope had gotten me into this mess in the first place though, and I could feel it rapidly diminishing.

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts, causing an unwarranted amount of irritation. He had _just _left…why would he come back so soon when I told him I needed to be alone? I needed time to think and process things, especially after what he just unloaded on me.

I moved to the door anyway, my guilt giving me the power to do whatever I could to try to be nice to the guy. My eyes went wide at the site on the other side of my door though…Bright blue eyes dancing as they met mine.

"Cloud," I said, barely a whisper as I tried to figure out if this were real or just the beginning to one of my recurring dreams.

"Zack," he replied, laughing softly as I gawked at him. "I was hoping we could talk?"

Okay, this was definitely not how the dreams began. If this were a dream, he would have jumped on me by now.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," I told him, realizing there was a good chance that even though this were real, it could end up like the dreams if I let him inside.

He brushed past me, winking as he stepped inside. My jaw dropped as he plopped down on my couch, and I couldn't help but mentally berate myself for allowing it. I was a SOLDIER. If I really didn't want some cadet to stroll into my apartment, it would have been too easy to prevent. Instead I shut the door behind him, crossing my arms as I kept my distance from the couch.

"Okay," I said finally, trying to look in his direction without actually looking _at _him. It was impossible though. Anywhere in his vicinity was like a trap, forcing me to become locked on his eyes. Even from a distance I could get lost in them, and the desire I saw was propelling me to take a step closer. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Are you really gonna pretend you don't know?" he countered, arching an eyebrow as I battled myself…I lost, taking another step closer. When I didn't speak his bright eyes darkened a bit, causing my heart to sink. I much preferred them when they were light and mischievous..."Okay, fine. I'll let you pretend you were so drunk you forgot, but you should know, I wasn't drunk at all that night. They let me _in _the bar, but they didn't let me drink. It's all pretty clear in my memory."

"Cloud…I remember what happened," I admitted, wondering how I was _still _moving even closer. Didn't I tell myself to stop seven steps ago? "I'm so sorry if I mislead you or-"

"Mislead me?" he snorted, openly surprised as I stared back blankly. "You're kidding, right? Zack, I'm not here because I'm confused about what happened or need you to tell me it was a mistake. I'm here because I know what happened, and I can't get it outta my head."

His words were just an echo from my own mind, but I'd never allow myself to say them. I had a list of reasons I couldn't, and nothing to impair my judgement this time.

"It _was _a mistake. You're a cadet!" I exclaimed, my expression as apologetic as I could muster. The truth was, the sex drive that had been missing when my perfectly willing boyfriend had been here was now back and prominent as ever- all thanks to this beauty that I couldn't take my eyes off. An apology was the _last _thing I wanted to give him, but the only thing I should. "I think you're a great kid, but what happened between us can't happen again. I don't even drink, that night was just…everything about it was a mistake."

His gaze dropped, but surely my own disappointment was heavier than anything he felt. Whatever connection I had been longing to feel with Kunsel was definitely pulsing between me and this cadet. It wasn't fair...

"I don't believe you," he said, jumping to his feet a bit too suddenly. Now my feet remembered how to step back, but only as he moved closer. He was smirking at me, like he knew how little control I had over my own body in his presence. It made no sense; I wasn't even drunk this time. "You're supposed to be the SOLDIER here. Why are you afraid of this?"

"There's nothing between us to be afraid of!"

"Then stay still and look at me," he demanded, his smile growing as I hit the wall. "We both know what happens when you're up against the wall, and unless you have a friend hiding in your bedroom-"

"I have a boyfriend, Cloud."

"You told me. I saw him leaving here in a hurry, and he didn't look thrilled to see me."

"Did you talk to him?" I asked, stunned by the panic I felt.

"No. Why would I? He looked like you had just kicked him to the curb, and it kinda got my hopes up to be honest."

I threw my head back against the wall, almost glad for the brief pain I felt. It knocked some sense into me for a moment, and I _definitely _needed that. "We're still together, and when I told you he didn't mind, that wasn't true."

"You didn't say he didn't mind. You said it was complicated."

"It still is," I admitted, my heart racing as I felt his hands on my face, angling me to look down at him again. To my relief, once I looked into his eyes, his hands dropped to his sides. It was a bit easier to talk and think clearly without him actually touching me. "I can't hurt him. He _does _mind, and the only reason he let it go was because I was grieving that day. You don't know what happened after we met in Modeoheim. Things've really fallen apart for me." There was a glimmer of sadness in his eyes as I spoke, but for some reason it didn't infuriate me the way it did when most people tried to offer me sympathy. Maybe because it _wasn't _sympathy. It was an unspoken understanding, and I could feel it from his presence as much as I could see it in his eyes. "You should leave."

"I can't. Not until I know for sure," he said, staring at me with unwavering intensity. I wanted to hide- to look away or run away even. I wasn't entirely sure what he was looking for, but I knew if I maintained eye contact for another moment he'd find it somehow. "I'm confused about all this too, you know. Something is here though, between us."

That was hardly reassuring. "Cloud...let's say you're right and there _is _something. Even if Kunsel weren't in the picture, _we _couldn't be together. I'm a SOLDIER!" I had spoken with such conviction that I almost hardened my own resolve. If sheer logic couldn't put an end to whatever was happening, policy could. "You know the rules as well as I do."

"That didn't bother you the other night."

His lips were on mine in a heartbeat, and the firm protest I felt dissolved instantly. Nothing mattered aside from his lips and the current that bound us together...and his hands on my body, so fearless in their exploration. He had my complete surrender already, and he knew it.

"I didn't put my hands on you," he whispered, nibbling my lower lip as he pulled back just slightly. "I was minding my own business when you came over to me." His lips were against my neck before I realized it, and I was too distracted to think. "You put _your _hands on my hips and made sure I kept grinding my ass into your erection…" I gasped as he gave my current hardness a squeeze, nearly ready to beg him for more- but his lips were on mine again before I could manage, his hands making their way back up my body with precision. "I know you want me, Zack." His body was so close to mine as he spoke, and could feel his own desire pressed against my thigh as his hands moved up to my face, making sure I couldn't pull back as he took over once more. "I want you too. This isn't complicated."

If he wanted me to break down and demand more, he was about to win that too.

I practically growled into his lips, convinced in that moment he was right. This wasn't complicated. What I wanted was very simple and very obvious, and the way he was rubbing his body against mine kept it that way. Light friction wasn't enough...He was teasing me, and we both knew it. My fingers dug into his waist, pulling his body closer to my own without reserve.

He pulled back though, every tantalizing movement ceasing as his eyes filled with triumph. "You know what? Maybe if your boyfriend minds, so do I. So, the way I see it…you want me," he said, leaving me whimpering as he gave me another squeeze, "and I want you. Let him know and then come find me."

I was awed as I watched him leave, the desire in my pants somehow growing harder from his words and more painful in his absence.

The list of inappropriate things I wanted to do with him was definitely longer than the list of reasons I shouldn't see him...


	3. Chapter 3

About the time I thought I posted this 4 days ago...Sorry! I keep getting told 2-3 weeks is standard posting time on this site and it's definitely been less than that, but more than a week feels like a long time to me o.O

I'm glad some of you are liking this. It's kind of a leap for me, so I didn't think anyone would really be interested. Thanks for reading, and those of you who reviewed are super appreciated! This one's a bit longer than my usual. I'm not totally thrilled with how the story is turning out, but I'll keep going if people are still reading! Let me know what you think!

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><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

It wasn't rational. _I _wasn't rational though, and I hadn't been since Angeal's death. Why else would I spend all my free time thinking about some cadet? Cloud had become an obsession, haunting my dreams and every stray thought. Maybe instead of coping I was just distracting myself with impossible notions. My reasons to stay away from him may have been fewer than my list of desires, but they were more important.

Nothing could happen with him, no matter what my heart, mind, or dick had to say about it. And on most days, they had _a lot _to say. Luckily he seemed determined to keep a safe distance for now. Well, kind of...He started popping up more often, all around the Shinra Compound- in places where I never remembered seeing him before. Surely I would have noticed him before we met if he frequented those areas. Maybe it was just my ego, but I couldn't shake the feeling he was there for _me._

He never actually approached or initiated conversation though...He never trapped me with my own desires or destroyed me with a single glance. Just seeing him nearby was enough to unravel me with ease, and I think he realized that. No matter how much I fought myself, I'd always lose and look in his direction. Eventually I stopped trying to fight it- he never looked up anyway. I could see the slight smile curling his lips every time I surrendered, but he'd never meet my gaze. Sometimes he'd just be walking by, other times he'd be studying on a bench.

No matter _what _he was doing, the fact remained...I wanted him. That slight smile would fuel my fantasies for the day, sending my heart racing just the way I liked it. I _needed _it now, as badly as I wanted him. My day wasn't complete until I had it, and I found myself going out of my way to make sure these distant encounters kept happening. If he wasn't somewhere that I'd naturally run into him, I'd wander through an area where I knew he might be. Most SOLDIERs didn't walk through the training halls often, but it had become part of my routine somehow.

I still remember the first day I resorted to that...his surprised expression had been so cute- so different than the amused, confident cadet he had become around me. I tried to act casually, like it was all big coincidence, but he knew...that boy could see right through me, always. He had brushed his arm against mine as he walked by, 'accidentally' I'm sure...the jolt it had caused left me frozen in that spot for a good minute before I could even continue walking away.

It was pathetic, but if that was all I could have with him, I'd take it. Days when I had missions were nearly unbearable, but at least I was busy enough that I couldn't get too lost in my desire to see him. Did he ache for me the way I did for him on those days? Part of me hoped he did...a very selfish part, that I couldn't deny anymore. I'd never admit it aloud, but it helped to be able to admit it to myself at least.

Maybe somewhere deep inside I was hoping he'd break down and approach me again if these run ins kept happening- that I wouldn't feel so guilty if _he _were the one pursuing me. I wouldn't be cheating on my boyfriend, violating policy, letting down my mentor, losing my honor, distracting myself from my missions, or taking advantage of a cadet. _He'd _be at fault somehow, despite my allowing it. Despite the fact I spent every day longing for it...It seemed unlikely though.

_"Maybe if your boyfriend minds, so do I." _

The little tease meant it, and I couldn't fault him for that. Just like it wasn't fair to Kunsel, it wasn't fair to Cloud either. It was probably better this way, desires be damned. My other reasons were practical, but Kunsel was the most important one on my list.

So why was I suddenly very serious about breaking up after a year of putting it off?

It would be safer to just stay with Kunsel and keep him as a reminder to stay away from the cadet. Maybe that was the answer though. In all my time with Kunsel, I never truly felt like I was using him until Cloud came along. He wanted to be with me, and while my feelings weren't the same, my intentions were. I had accepted him and what we had, even if it made so little sense in my heart. Never once had I been interested in anyone else or felt like I was betraying him on a daily basis. Now? Kunsel deserved better than what I could give him.

I'd just have to rely on my other reasons to stay away from Cloud after I ended things with Kunsel.

Somehow two full weeks had passed, and though I had rehearsed my break up multiple times, the words had yet to come out right.

_"__I don't want to go out with you." _Apparently that just meant that evening.

_"__I don't love you that way."_ Apparently meant I just needed more time, but that was okay.

_"__I don't want to be with you."_ Apparently just meant I wasn't in the mood to have sex, not that there was a larger issue to address.

And now it was too late. He was gone on a mission, and I was stuck at ShinRa waiting for the next report to come in on Genesis before I could continue working on my own missions.

My pathetic ritual was becoming more desperate by the day, which I hadn't realized was possible...It was nearly mid-afternoon and I hadn't run into my cadet yet. _My _cadet...even I couldn't justify why I thought of him that way now, but my mind had already decided that was how I'd think of him. He hadn't popped up at any of our usual run in locations, and I hadn't managed to find him in the halls of the training building. That left me one option, and it was one I wouldn't really be able to explain away as coincidence.

The cafeteria. I was SOLDIER who had my own apartment...it was common knowledge that I _hated _eating in the cafeteria, and preferred to cook for myself. But I needed to see him. The kid had to eat, and this was the only place where cadets could do that.

Thank Gaia for that spiky blond hair...he was easy to spot across a room, and my heart stopped for a moment as I wondered if he noticed me yet. I wasn't exactly hard to spot either, especially in my SOLDIER uniform. Only a few SOLDIERs were scattered across the room, and even before I felt Cloud's eyes on me, I could tell other people were taking notice. None of them mattered though. I wasn't oblivious to the fact that a lot of cadets looked to me with an odd amount of interest, but all I wanted was for _him _to be interested.

It didn't take long to feel the weight of his stare on me, and I quickly pretended not to notice as I sat down at a table by myself. Usually he didn't look up, and the fact that he was this time was exhilarating. It emboldened me, and I found myself stealing more than a single glance.

He was much better at pretending not to care than I was. He was surrounded by other cadets, friends presumably- and I felt a strange, sudden urge to go use my status as 1st Class to intimidate them all into running away. I had never once tried to intimidate cadets; in fact, I was often nicer to them than any of the other SOLDIERs, and even volunteered to give them pep talks and speeches to motivate them. Something about the fact that they got to be around the person I wanted to be around drove me nuts though, even when I knew it shouldn't.

Somehow I kept my bizarre jealousy in check, picking at my disgusting meal between glances.

His eyes were almost always on me when I dared to look up, sending my heart racing further every time they met. Why did he have this effect on me? When we had met it had been nothing like this…I mean, sure, I thought he was a cute kid and maybe somewhere in the back of my head I thought in a few years he'd be the kind of guy I could be interested in- but _never _did it occur to me I liked him exactly the way he was, here and now. Or maybe I just hadn't noticed it before because I didn't _want _to notice it…After his lips and hands had been on me, there was really no ignoring anything about him.

Seeing him with his friends was an interesting reminder of the cadet I had met that day in Modeoheim. He was a bit more reserved than I had seen him since that day, only speaking after someone else initiated conversation. Everything he said elicited laughter though, much the way it had been when _we _had first spoken. Maybe he wasn't so bold around everyone. I even caught him blushing at whatever it was the guy to his right whispered into his ear, which peaked my curiosity more than it should have. I pretended to keep eating absentmindedly, but it was very tempting to walk over there, grab him, press my lips to his and show that guy Cloud was _mine_ and he could take his whispers elsewhere. Those big blue eyes flickering in my direction were almost daring me to do it, fully aware of my tense, clenched fists. I needed to stay in control…The point of these distant encounters was that they were exactly that- _distant_. So long as they stayed that way, they were harmless.

_Plus, Kunsel…_

Just thinking his name was a depressing reminder why this was all so wrong. Granted I had legitimately _tried _to end things, maybe I hadn't tried hard enough.

My idea of a harmless, distant encounter was quickly squashed as I realized he was approaching with a small smile on his face. His friends were staring after him in awe, but I didn't care to think about that...I was mesmerized by him, as always, anxiously awaiting whatever this encounter would entail and dreading it at the same time. By the time he was sitting across from me, I was smiling back a bit too broadly...I felt like a moron. Why? Why did he make me feel so ridiculous?

"My friends caught me staring…they didn't believe I even knew you," he said quietly, laughing a bit as I just gawked at him. "Are you gonna help me out or pretend you don't know me?"

"I think we both know how much I wanna help you out," I muttered, my eyes fixated on the way he was biting his lower lip. _I _wanted to bite that lip…I wanted to kiss him all over, and then finish whatever it was that had started between us. And then I wanted to do it again and again until we both had out fill of each other. Something told me we wouldn't be satisfied so quickly, and that was quite alright with me. "What do you need me to do?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess just talk to me for a minute without sending me away. Don't worry, they're all cadets. They won't be able to hear us."

"What makes you think I'm worried?" I responded, trying to sound as casual as possible even though I was _definitely _a bit stressed. Just because his friends couldn't hear didn't mean mine couldn't, and there were definitely a few familiar faced among the SOLDIERs scattered throughout the cafeteria. They wouldn't know what had already happened with me and Cloud, but they'd certainly be curious why I was sitting with him now. I could just imagine the rumors now…I was the nice guy around here, carefree and comical even. SOLDIER prodigy with a 2nd Class boyfriend- what a good story if any of them wanted to start talking about me being distracted by some random cadet.

Cloud was so not random though. Surely if anyone saw, they would understand the temptation. Just because he wasn't dancing around like something out of a dream didn't mean he wasn't the most breathtaking sight in all of ShinRa.

"Why do you keep looking around like you're checking who's watching?" he asked, frowning as I continued to scan the room. Even Lux was here, and _he _knew exactly what had happened that night in the bar. I could feel his eyes on me, and offered him a weak smile as he shook his head warningly. "I can behave, Zack."

"Can you?" I found that a bit hard to believe, but mostly because I didn't _want _to believe it. Surely he had finally decided to approach because _he _wanted to, not to impress his friends. "Why'd you really come over?"

"Why are _you _really here?" he countered. "You have your own apartment…SOLDIERs don't need to eat in the cafeteria."

"Maybe I was hoping I'd run into you," I admitted, cursing my lack of censorship. It seemed natural to make these confessions to him though, and that scared me. "We haven't talked in a while, and I wanted to make sure you were-"

Cloud arched an eyebrow at this, leaning forward a bit in his seat. "Make sure what? That I was okay after you turned me away?" His voice dropped, just quiet enough that I could still hear him. "I'm fine, Zack. The real question is, how are you?"

"I'm fine."

"How's _Kunsel_?"

My eyes narrowed at the mention of his name. It had no place in a conversation between us…or maybe it did. I still preferred it not to be mentioned, and so I let out a short sigh. "He's fine. He's on a mission...we're still together."

I could see the disappointment in his eyes, and was sure my face mirrored his expression. "That's too bad."

I don't know when or how it had happened, but I was leaning forward in my chair too, wishing desperately that the table separating us would just disappear so I could get rid of this gap between us. "Yeah. Maybe it's better this way though."

"You're kind of a tease."

I couldn't help but smirk at this. "_I'm_ a tease?"

"I'm not the one with a good reason for this not to happen," he said bluntly, the brightness in his eyes growing a bit dim. "Anyway. I think my friends believe me now, so I should get going. I'll probably stop in the bathroom to wash my hands before I head to my next class."

I frowned at this before it dawned on me why he was telling me. "I wash my hands too." Wow I was an idiot…

"I was hoping you did," he responded, laughing softly as he rose to his feet. He only offered me a wink before he walked back to his table, and I waved at him like a little girl with a crush, oblivious to his friend's awed laughter as he returned to them like a champion.

Suddenly I was incredibly hungry. Either that or I really just wanted to finish my lunch in a hurry, and so I did, ignoring the glances I could see from around the room as I devoured my meal. Cloud was still at his table, a sexy smile spreading on his face every time our eyes met. I could feel him watched me as I threw my trash away, and as I moved toward the restroom, I could hear him telling his friends that he needed to get to class early today. My heart was racing, knowing he'd be following me any minute now- I wasn't entirely sure what would happen, but I didn't even care. Even if he wouldn't do anything while I was with Kunsel, and even if I shouldn't do anything...if I could just touch his face or any part of him and indulge in the feeling that ignited between us…that would be enough to get me through the day. I just needed _something_.

When he finally walked in it took a lot of self-control to stand back while he approached me, and part of me wondered why I bothered. I knew something was going to happen, that was why I took the bait and met him here. Why was I so nervous now that he was standing in front of me?

"Why are you so nervous?" I nearly laughed as his words echoed my thoughts, shaking my head wordlessly as I stepped back again. "I don't understand you, Zack…You just don't seem like this shy, nervous kinda guy. I always thought you'd be the type to see what you want and go for it."

"That _is _how I am," I argued, meaning it too- in virtually every aspect of my life it was true. Just not with him. "You don't exactly strike me as the type to take initiative like this, so maybe we're both out of our element here."

Cloud smiled at this, nodding in agreement. "I guess. Maybe I should confess…I actually don't dance. I was only in that bar because some of the guys dragged me out. Apparently I'm a loner who needs to get out more...then I lost a bet. They said I couldn't convince the bartender to serve me, and they won. So I ended up dancing like an idiot for losing. It was supposed to be embarrassing, and you know…it _was _until you came up behind me." I couldn't help but smile as I watched him shifting uncomfortably- he was definitely telling the truth. It was refreshing to see him like this after watching him be so bold since that day. I didn't think it was possible for me to want him any more than I already did, but something about his demeanor set my imagination on overdrive. I wanted to explore all these different sides of him- to have him in every way he'd allow. "Actually, it was mortifying even _when _you walked up behind me, until I realized it was you. The truth is, I've wanted you for a long time…you never even noticed me though."

"That's not true. We talked a lot the day we met, and-"

"And you thought I was a cute, quiet kid and didn't plan to see me again," he finished, and I couldn't really argue with his point. That wasn't exactly how I would have put it, but I certainly wouldn't have wanted to see him like _this _for a few years. "It wasn't until you were drunk and rubbing on me that I realized maybe if I want something, I need to go after it. I can't be timid about everything, and I don't want to be that way with you."

"I like you how you are. Shy, bold- it doesn't matter," I told him, my heart sinking as he looked at me with disbelief. I knew it wasn't a good idea to feed into this situation, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want him thinking that I just wanted some kind of fling, and that he wasn't good for anything else. "I would have noticed you either way! I mean, you _did _catch my interest in Modeoheim. You just seemed a bit young, and I had a lot going on…then things fell to shit on that mission, and-" I shook my head, staring at him helplessly.

"It's okay. You don't have to explain," he said softly, stepping in closer. My entire body was beyond my control, lost to the thrill of the game- the same game we always got caught in; his slow approach, my shy retreat- his knowing stare, my nervous glance. I was to the wall by the door already, waiting with full awareness for what was about to happen. Needing it too much to doubt it. No one had ever had this kind of effect on me, and I never wanted it to disappear. "I've seen you with him, Zack. It's not like how it is with you and me."

"It's not."

"Then choose me..."

"I can't," I whispered, sure he could hear my heart racing as he moved in closer.

"Why do you go out of your way to run into me if you don't want me? This isn't the first time."

"I _do _want you," I admitted, though I didn't see why he needed me to say it. Surely he was aware of the effect he was having on me- his close proximity was enough to have me fully aroused, and he hadn't even touched me yet. His gaze had become heated as he scanned my body, and I could see it clearly when our eyes met once more. If it was just a part of his game, I was happy to play along. "You started that...popping up where you knew I'd be."

"Yeah, and then I stopped when I thought it was pointless. And here you are now, again." He frowned, the hurt dampening the fire in his eyes for just a moment before they ignited once more. That moment had shattered me though- I was being unfair to him, and he deserved so much better. I was nearly ready to just apologize and leave, never to bother him again...but the thought of walking away became inconceivable as he took the final step forward. He reached around me, his hand moving to lock the bathroom door- the gesture confirming my expectations. Something was definitely going to happen, and I was running out of time if I wanted to object. "Just in case. I already put up an Out of Order sign, but you never know."

"Just in case what?" I asked, trembling at the series of possibilities playing in my mind.

As he smirked I knew he was well aware of every dirty thought I was having, but it didn't matter- I had the feeling he was experiencing a similar train of thought. "One kiss. Let me give you _one _more reminder how things can be with us, and then I'll stop if you don't want more. But if I stop, you stop too- no more running into me around the compound, no more anything. Deal?"

The way his eyes were dancing compelled me to lean down as he spoke, and I didn't want to pull back. Our lips were dangerously close, and the feel of his hot breath on my face was almost too enticing. It was so tempting to respond to his question by sealing that distance between our mouths, but the single shred of self-control I had left stopped me.

What was he really hoping to accomplish? I didn't need a kiss to remind me how things could be between us- the memories of our previous encounters were still vivid, and I could feel the sensation in the air just by looking at him.

If we kissed, all it would do is ignite the desire that we were both helpless to deny. Maybe knowing I wanted him wasn't enough...maybe he wanted to feel it consume me again. I couldn't fault him if that were the case- I wanted the same things from him, and more. Where would that leave us when we were done though? Nothing could change. If he didn't walk away, I would have to this time.

"Let me break up with him," I muttered, my body protesting my words as he pressed himself closer against me. I had to at least _try _to remind him that this wasn't a good idea- to remind _myself _that this shouldn't be so easy. "I can't be with you either way, but I can't keep letting this happen while I'm with him."

"Can't be with me?"

"I want _all _of you," I said, gasping as he pressed his body to mine a bit more firmly this time. He frowned as I spoke, but didn't pause as his hands began to roam my body freely. "Even without Kunsel, until you get promoted-"

"All of me?" he repeated, cutting off my logic as his eyes filled with curiosity. "So you don't just want my mouth?"

My thumb ran over his lower lip, separating them just barely as I stared down at him. He was so damn sexy…"I _definitely _want your mouth, and every part of your body," I confessed, my hand leaving his face and trailing down his frame as well. So much for self-control...This encounter was already become much more than I had anticipated, and the way he was rubbing against my erection- I could only resist for so much longer. I wanted to make him thrive under my touch as well- to show _him _what it felt like to be teased beyond his limit. For now though, my hand settled on his arousal, giving him a single gentle squeeze. The sound that escaped his mouth as he writhed against me nearly made me snap, but I had to make at least one last thing clear. "It's more than this though."

"More? You barely know me."

"I know plenty," I disagreed, frowning that he would think otherwise. I mean, obviously I did want him physically- painfully so, and he was doing an excellent job at leaving me fully aware of that fact. There was so much more that I desired about him though- so much more I wanted to know. I wasn't professing love, but I was sure there could be something more than just sex between us. "And I want to know more. This kind of spark doesn't happen just because of a physical attraction."

He took a slight step back, looking somewhat frazzled. "How can you be so sure?"

"Are you trying to tell me you just want me for my body?" I teased, smiling at the rosy color that appeared on his cheeks. Maybe he _wasn't_ in complete control of everything that happened between us. "I mean, I guess that's okay with me, but I was thinking you might feel it too. This can be so much more." My heart sank a bit as I saw the hope in his eyes- the same hope I felt. There were too many other factors to consider, well beyond whatever was happening between us. "Eventually. When you're a a SOLDIER too."

"I just assumed you might have had something else in mind," he admitted, smirking a bit as I grabbed his hips and pulled him close again. My logic and patience was faltering- it might be a full year before he got promoted. If this was our last encounter for a while, maybe it would be okay to indulge a bit longer. I _definitely _had something more urgent in mind, and I needed him to feel it again.

I grasped his hand, guiding it to my throbbing erection- groaning as he gripped it without hesitation. "You have no idea," I told him, throwing my head back in awed pleasure as he began pumping me through my uniform. I hadn't expected that. I figured he would just continue the tease...lean into me and maybe capture my lips before one of us remembered what a bad idea this all was.

After a moment though, it became clear this _was _part of his game. It wasn't enough, but somehow it was too much- I wanted more, so much more, and he knew it. My body was responding though, and after wanting him so desperately, it wasn't surprising. This wasn't how I wanted it to be with him, but anything was better than nothing...and this was somehow everything. I was approaching the edge rapidly, ready to cross a line that I'd never be able to salvage without a second thought.

"Does this mean I can have that kiss?" he teased, leaving me hanging by a thread. His hands moved up my chest, settling on my cheeks as he pulled me down again. I nodded my head helplessly, ready to agree to anything he had to say or offer at this point. I wanted to just grab his body and grind out the orgasm my body was demanding, and I knew he'd let me...but he had me intrigued. Something innate told me to just wait and see what he'd do next- to let him dictate how this played out, even if it only ended in a kiss. I was completely and utterly his, and if that was all he could give me, I'd take it- it was more than I deserved. "Just one though. I don't think I can give you more until you prove you mean everything you're saying. If you want to play by ShinRa's rules and wait until I'm a SOLDIER, fine. But I want you to choose me now."

I nodded my head, the anticipation hanging so heavy in the air that I was struggling to even process his words.

I'd jerk myself off to the memory after he left, and pretend to be relieved that I hadn't allowed him to push me over the edge. The line would be a bit crooked, but very much in tact at least- I could justify this entire mess as a testament to my will power. For now those lips were all that mattered...they were perfect, and I wanted them on mine, always.

His thumb trailed over my lower lip much the same way I had done to him, and he gave it a quick nip before his hands fell to my chest once more. He pulled his head back as I leaned in close, and I didn't try to hide the disappointment I felt. That wasn't a kiss. I was ready to pull him in and show him that- to kiss him the way he was supposed to kiss me. Something in his eyes stopped me though, locking me in his mischievous gaze with ease. What was he thinking? I wanted to ask, but mostly I just wanted him to show me.

When his hands began unbuttoning my pants, my entire vision for what was about to happen became scrambled. Desires were pulling on me in all direction, drowning my rationale and ability to speak. It wasn't until he had dropped to his knees that I managed a coherent thought.

"What're you doing?" I asked, astonished by the husky tone of my own voice and by the fact my fingers were already interlocked in his blond spikes.

He stared up at me, those big blue eyes filled with innocence as his hands tugged the last remnants of clothing covering my erection. "If I can only have one kiss, I want to make sure it's a good one."

How could I argue with that? Even if I wanted to, all I could manage was a moan as I felt the heat of that perfectly wet mouth surrounding me.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey! So…**thank you** so much for coming back! ^.^ The reviews have been very nice as well, and I really appreciate it.

To answer a review question…it's not that I feel the individual chapters are awful, but the story as a whole just isn't coming together how I'd imagined- that's why I'm not thrilled about it. I feel like not enough is happening between their encounters, and that lead to some redundancies. I won't say more or you may all start to notice these things too if you haven't already ;-) I guess I'm more...trying to capture a feeling than anything, so if y'all are getting the right vibe, that's all I should care about!

This chapter is a bit different than the previous ones. It literally was the most frustrating thing I've ever written, and I'm basically posting it as is to preserve my sanity at this point o.o BUT! As I said before, if I have readers, I will finish this- I'm _100%_ certain it'll get done. It's just going to take some time!

Oh, and...um. I was trying not to make this smutty but it _may _cross the line a bit. It's not super graphic, but, let's call this a 'just in case' warning. The detailing in this story is so on the edge between lust and smut and 'almost' that I can't really tell anymore.

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><p><strong>Chapter Four<strong>

I talked to a 16 year old cadet more than my own boyfriend.

It was a strange realization, but not entirely shocking when I really thought about it. After our last _kiss_, the idea of staying away from Cloud was tormenting- but it was the _only _way I'd last until he was promoted. Even distant encounters were too risky now…one stray thought or glance and I'd be by his side before I knew I had taken a single step. It was too easy to get distracted- too tempting to let him lure me somewhere private and have a repeat of our last encounter. The way I was drawn to him was inexplicable, and I was helpless against it. I didn't _want _to stop it anymore...logic was the only thing keeping my impulses at bay, and even that was dwindling.

I had to have _something_. If I couldn't see him…couldn't _be _with him the way we both wanted…I'd at least get my fix from his voice. Talking over the phone seemed like the natural solution, and it didn't seem to pollute me with as much guilt as our previous encounters. Our chats were far from harmless, but the lack of physical contact made me feel like I was staying within a reasonable boundary. It didn't seem like as much of a betrayal.

_Kunsel…_

I had tried to tell Cloud I couldn't choose him, but the truth was, there had never even been a choice. The moment I had connected with Cloud, it was always him. Only him…Even before his _kiss _I knew that, I was just too stubborn to accept it. I'd been so sure I could stay away, or at least keep the line intact until I sorted everything out...Instead I let it shatter in the most spectacular way, and all I had left were the pieces. Each one was laced with a desire and guilt I couldn't ignore, and it seemed those feelings would go hand in hand until I did something about it. The desire was a part of me now, and I had no control over it. The guilt though? That was something I didn't have to carry around.

I'd already decided to break up with Kunsel, long before Cloud's _kiss_. Now I just needed to do it. There would be no more excuses or misunderstandings.

If only Kunsel were around ShinRa at the same time as me- we had been on opposite mission schedules for nearly a month. Maybe that counted as an excuse…he was calling me almost every day. My cadet seemed to agree though, breaking up over the phone after being together for so long wouldn't help ease my conscience. Not to mention whenever he called I always seemed to be exhausted or busy. In retrospect, there was probably a reason for that…whenever Cloud called I was always ready and awake. At the time it all felt like pure coincidence.

Topics with Cloud ranged from the basics; how my mission was going, how his classes were going…right up to how he wanted me to bend him over and take him in a way he'd never been taken. I don't think I've ever had an easier time masturbating in my life as I did with him moaning into my ear on the other line…I had tried so hard to hold back my own moans, to hold onto this one last pretense…who was I kidding at this point though? It took virtually no effort for him to get me to let go of that ridiculous notion.

_"__I want to hear you."_

I couldn't deny him, and something about the way he spoke made me wonder if that was what I was holding back for anyway- his voice was almost demanding, and it took me right to edge as I let him have what he wanted. It was always about pleasing him…I'd let him have anything I could. He got off on taunting me with heated words and pleas. On more than one occasion he'd invite me to visit his dorm room, daring me to follow through with every confessed desire I spoke. I'd call him out for teasing me, and he'd just laugh and remind me I was doing the same thing to him.

And then he'd remind me, _it's not teasing if I mean it,_ almost always followed by a soft moan. The image of him stroking himself during our conversations made my heart hum with pleasure, sending a pulse down to my already throbbing cock every time. He'd hear me gasp as I gripped myself, and by the time we were both done with our little game, he'd just ask again…

_"__Why don't you just come over next time?"_

We both knew the answer, but I think he could hear my resolve weakening every time I declined.

There was a reason we had resorted to having these chats over the phone, despite the fact we had never discussed the matter. After his last _kiss, _all denial or coyness was lost- we both knew what would happen if we were alone together. Especially now that he'd told me in excruciating detail how he wanted me. But we both knew it couldn't happen yet. He seemed to understand my reasons for keeping my distance, and now that I had accepted everything between us, he was willing to wait. Neither of us needed to say it- we were going to be together when the timing was better.

Still, if there were a chance at not getting caught, I'd have given anything to be able to indulge him. I couldn't exactly stroll over to his dorm room with an impossible-to-hide erection though...I was too recognizable to the other cadets, and someone was bound to notice. And after our little scene in the cafeteria, he couldn't exactly swing by my place again either. Too many prying eyes would remember his face, and there'd be too many questions I wouldn't be able to answer.

There had already been questions I could barely answer, and I'd only been seen with him that one time. Why was I talking with a cadet? Who was he? Since when did I eat in the cafeteria? The questions themselves were easy to answer truthfully, and no one thought to press the issue further. My reaction as I answered was what made it complicated. I couldn't think about that day without remembering exactly how his mouth had felt around me…that _kiss _had just been a sample of all the things I wanted so badly.

When he had said it'd be just a kiss, he meant it. I don't even think he took more than half my length into his mouth, and the way he swirled his tongue had been so subtle...he didn't even put his hands on the base or my hips. It was entirely lacking yet somehow more than I could have hoped for...My hands had been in his hair, and it would have been so easy to just hold him there and take what I needed. Thrust into him, fuck his face the way I could see in his eyes he wanted. If I had done that though, the guise of 'one kiss' would have been lost- our game would have been over, and I wanted nothing more than for it to continue. To see the ending he had in mind, even if he left my body screaming for release.

I had half expected him to just stop- to walk away after 'one kiss' like he said...to leave me crazy with need, forced to rely on the memory as I took care of myself. My plan to jerk myself off wasn't on his agenda though. Any thoughts about remembering that encounter as a 'testament to my willpower' were lost as more primal concerns took control.

I hadn't anticipated him nuzzling his body close to mine...I hadn't realized I'd nudged my bare knee between his legs...All I knew was that I could _feel _how badly he wanted me too. I had known before I felt it, of course, but having it against me only fueled my need further. All of his movements captured my attention, but none as much as him moaning into my shoulder as he rode my knee to his release, his hand jerking me to my own with ease as I watched and felt him...

It wasn't exactly the ideal train of thoughts to experience when I was speaking with my friends...I'd almost always had to change the subject, or find a reason to excuse myself before the impending erection became too prominent. Only Lux seemed suspicious, but luckily he never pressed the issue beyond the vague details I provided the others. To them, Cloud was just some cadet I met on a mission. We had hit it off and I wanted to see how he was doing. We spoke on occasion, but didn't really hang out. Nothing more, nothing less. Eventually enough time had passed without another run in that people stopped asking about him, and that made it slightly easier.

Days were so dull knowing I couldn't see him. When I wasn't on missions, I just went through the motions of it all- I'd hit the gym, cook, complete any tasks around ShinRa that were delegated to me, and mostly just kill time until Cloud's classes ended. Sometimes my friends would want to hang out, but I could only spend so long with them before I wanted to get back to my place. My entire schedule seemed to revolve around our calls, and I didn't want to miss any of them.

_"I'll be back this afternoon. Come by my place at 4? Love you."_

That wasn't the message I'd expected when I checked my voicemail. The eagerness in Kunsel's voice was depressing, especially knowing that if he were back...this was it. I'd have to go through the motions of my day and then meet him like he requested- and no matter what he said or what his mood was, I'd have to follow through with my plan. I'd done this to myself...I could only hope he wouldn't hate me for it.

Maybe I should have known that'd be too simple. When the SOLDIER's gym was closed due to an apparent materia malfunction…I should have just gone back to my place and hid for the day. The 'motions' were out of whack, and that was dangerous. Instead I felt compelled to use the public gym, convinced the idea of running into Cloud was basically delusional…another fantasy my mind had worked up, like always. My daily regime was too important to skip, I rationalized...

As soon as I walked in, I could feel the pull of those big blue eyes on me, and even from across the room I met them instantly.

He was doing sword exercises with another cadet, and it seemed my sudden appearance had thrown him off guard. I watched curiously as he was disarmed, chuckling under my breath as he sent me an accusing glare. I liked knowing that he was thoroughly distracted by me, so I definitely wouldn't be apologizing when we spoke later.

I tried my best to stay busy, realizing it'd be too questionable to just turn around and leave. Weights, cardio- these were things I could normally do with ease. I was too distracted to try lifting though, and my heart rate already seemed to be at a cardio level just from watching him. All I managed was to fake it- I was lifting, but only half the amount of weight I normally could, and even that felt like more than I could handle. At least it was rooting me to that spot- I probably would have wandered across the gym otherwise.

That didn't stop me from watching him. It was amazing that he could focus at all, really, when the air between us was crackling so intensely. Even a distance I could feel it, and it took more than a few deep breaths and reminders for me to stay focused. He was actually impressive…the only times he seemed to falter were when he caught my eyes, but the smile tugging at his lips told me he didn't mind- he didn't need me to leave, yet.

It made me hopeful. Maybe his promotion wouldn't be _that _far out…from what I remembered during our calls though, it wasn't a matter of skill holding him back. He'd been recommended for promotion twice already, but both times were ultimately denied because he didn't meet the minimum weight requirement for SOLDIER. It had enraged me when he mentioned it, and it enraged me further as I witnessed his skill…This place really did have some ridiculous rules. I'd have to buy the kid a cake or something to help speed up this weight gain process. To think _that _was all that stood between him and I…and between him and his dreams, which was really the more important issue. It wasn't right.

Eventually I had to turn my back to him as I continued, knowing I'd never be able to finish my task if I kept getting caught up in his movements.

That was when I felt it though…I didn't have to see him to know he was approaching, the sensation too obvious. It made me nervous, but relieved at the same time- there were a lot of people around, but the damage was already done as far as I was concerned...I'd seen him, and I wasn't capable of walking away without at least hearing what he had to say.

"Commander Fair."

I didn't turn immediately, instead enjoying the familiar tingling coursing through my veins as I finished one last bicep curl. I didn't know what he was thinking or hoping, but I was sure I'd like it. It couldn't be so different than what I was thinking.

It took me a moment to remember what I'd say to anyone else- how I acted when I wasn't around him. "What's up, Cloud?" The question was probably a bit too enthusiastic, even for me, but it was worth it to see his smile grow.

"I was wonder, sir, if you had time to help me with something?"

The look in his eyes…I couldn't risk taking the bait this time. "What do you need?" I asked, too curious to know what he had in mind- I couldn't follow through, but it'd help with my imagination later.

"I was working on a sword technique, and I just can't get it right. You're good with a sword, right?"

I picked up on the undercurrent in his tone, quickly playing along with it. "So I've been told."

"Do you think you could show me? I've always wanted to see firsthand."

I couldn't tell where the innuendo and truth blended- his eyes were filled with an innocence I knew too well now...but there was hope too. I wanted to play along...wanted to help him in any way I could, especially if it got him promoted sooner. There was just no way it could happen though. Whatever he wanted to start wouldn't end with sword fighting. There were too many eyes around the room locked onto us- too many ears that had probably overheard the entire conversation. The longer I stared at him, the further away they all seemed...it was beginning to feel like we were alone, and it had barely been two minutes. Staying wasn't an option.

All I could do was mentally rattle off a list of reasons to get out of there before it was too late. I could only hope he didn't ask twice- if he did, I knew I'd cave in.

"I can't..." _be around__ you without it turning into something more._

He didn't hide his disappointment...I was sure he saw mine too though. "Oh. Maybe another time then."

"Yeah. I've got plans soon," I said, smiling weakly- we both knew it wasn't true.

"Maybe you'll let me show you what I can do next time."

I don't know if he stepped forward or if I did...it didn't matter anymore. I was acutely aware of the fact that he was close enough for me to touch, and that was all I could think about.

"I'd let you do a lot more than show me," I whispered, completely lost in his presence.

His close proximity was too much- I didn't have any energy to spare on awareness. All that mattered was the current coursing between us. It wasn't until my hand grazed his cheek that he stepped back, his eyes never leaving mine. The further back he moved, the more the room came back into focus, but it all felt secondary while he was there. I couldn't look away.

When he was far enough back I could see them in my peripheral...Our audience wasn't even pretending to perform other tasks anymore, they were just watching. I knew they were the reason he had put this unwanted space between us...I could barely hear their whispers over the sound of my racing heart, but I didn't _need _to hear to know what they were saying.

I had almost ruined my career. I would have kissed him without a second thought, right in front of everyone.

I took a deep breath, trying to remain calm despite my conflicting desires…Part of me wanted to get far away from him before I did something I'd regret, but the other part was too far gone to care. Luckily I didn't need to figure out what to do. He decided for me, leaving the gym in a hurry without looking back even once.

The air seemed thinner in his absence, and I hated it...It was hard to breathe, and I was ready to chase after him to fix that problem. I needed to be overwhelmed by him again- by the rush only he could provide. My feet had figured it out before my mind, quickly taking me in the direction he had retreated.

He hadn't gotten far when I found him, and it was no surprise when he came to a halt. He knew I was following. I could see him fighting the same emotions that were stirring in me, like he was torn between staying put or taking off. Usually he was the decisive one...I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

"I wanted to help you, but I can't handle being in the same room as you," I said, almost apologetic as he turned around to face me.

It wasn't until he stepped back that I realized I was moving closer again. "I know. I can't either...You're crazy if you think this is gonna wait until I get promoted."

"I have to try to do the right thing," I whispered, recognizing the understanding in his gaze before I forced myself to step back as well.

"I like that about you, but it's driving me insane."

There was a pause between us, and it wasn't because I'd run out of things to say. It was always easy to talk to him- we'd had more conversations than I could count now. I just wanted to focus on _him _for a minute though...I'd been avoiding him for so long that I couldn't help taking the time to admire him. Not a detail had left my mind, but that didn't make the moment any less enjoyable. He was fully aware of my blatant gawking, and after he chuckled under his breath, he didn't hesitate to do the same to me.

"I got a message before coming here," I managed, knowing I was running out of time. This had gone on way too long, and I knew the heat in his eyes mirrored my own. At least this subject would be a reminder why we both needed to walk away this time. "Kunsel's back today."

He raised his brows with interest. "Oh?"

"I'll call you after?" I offered, knowing he'd understand what I meant. The breakup had almost become a technicality to him, but I knew he'd be glad that it was finally happening- he'd been more patient than I deserved. "He said around 4."

"Maybe I can finally convince you to drop by this time."

It seemed best not to say goodbye, knowing it wouldn't be sufficient…knowing only he could understand how it felt to be apart, and that a singular word had no chance at making it tolerable. I'd just have to get back to my apartment, take care of the arousal he'd created, and take some time to clear my head. There were still a few hours left before 4, which was a relief.

I'd already planned what I would say to Kunsel this time, and was sure that it would go well…Everything else would fall into place the way it was supposed to after I worked things out with him. Cloud would eat his damn cake, I'd find the will to stay away in the mean time...then he'd get promoted, and we could forget we were ever apart. Everything would be the way it was supposed to be.

I held onto that thought, letting myself ponder in a few others as well. The promise in Cloud's words had been so obvious...It'd be a miracle if I managed to stay away if he asked this time. If I let it happen once though, it'd be impossible to say no ever again. It'd be too easy to convince myself we wouldn't get caught...that we could keep our relationship secret until his promotion.

Secrets were impossible to keep in ShinRa, even if we didn't tell anyone. One stray rumor and there'd be a Turk hiding in his room, and with my lack of awareness around him...I'd just have to find a way to say no. Being a SOLDIER was all I'd ever wanted...before I met him anyway. I wanted to have him _and _my job.

I hadn't been expecting Kunsel to be in my bedroom as I debated my predicament. I'd barely even processed the fact that I was home- the entire walk was a blur.

He saw me immediately, offering a shy smile as my face went blank. He was naked…getting himself ready on my bed, like he had been expecting me. My heart was racing, but not in anticipation- it was a stressed beat, mixed with panic. How could I get out of this?

My raging dick was so obvious...The feeling had nothing to do with him, but there was no hiding it. My usual excuse was gone, and at that point, I needed release so badly that I was squirming. He was speaking to me, but the words were lost on my ears- something about 'surprise' and 'inside'- I wasn't interested in hearing it. Whatever he wanted just wasn't going to happen.

I felt horrible leaving him there like that, but I had to prioritize- getting out of the room was a necessity. I needed to get rid of this erection, away from him. Then I needed to get him dressed and out of my bed so we could talk. The guilt he held over me was powerful, but it didn't extend that far. We'd both only feel worse if I violated him that way, and I was sure I couldn't have even if I wanted to...The sight of him did nothing for me.

Cloud...he was all I wanted to think about. Arousal meant something entirely different to me now.

I locked myself in the bathroom, leaning back against the door and taking the time to calm myself down a bit first. Just because my original plan had changed, didn't mean I couldn't do this. If anything, this was _exactly _why I needed to follow through. I couldn't keep getting into situations like this with him.

"Zack?" A loud knock was paired with my name, causing me to jump away from the door.

I was annoyed that he had followed me rather than giving me a minute, but the fact that he was right outside the door seemed to be the solution to my erection problem at least. I didn't _want _to jerk off while he was there, and it wasn't just because of the guilt. This just wasn't a side of myself I was willing to share with anyone aside from the cadet who had captivated me.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? You ran away in a hurry."

"Fine."

I moved to the sink instead, turning it on with a sigh. He was knocking, _again. _I splashed some cold water on my face, shaking my head as I looked in the mirror. I couldn't back out of this again. This was what always happened…he'd have some expectation or need, I'd feel bad about it, and then I'd be with him another month before I could bring myself to try again. It _had _to be different this time.

"Are you coming out?"

"I just need a minute," I replied, trying to remind myself that he was just concerned.

The knocking finally stopped, and I was able to recollect myself in the silence.

This was my best friend. The guy I had been in a 'relationship' with for over a year. I owed him honesty…I had no right to be the one stressed out about this.

I stepped out of the bathroom, relieved to see he was nowhere in sight. "Kuns?"

"In here."

I frowned, knowing he had gone back to the bedroom. "Um. I'll be in the living room. Do you mind putting some clothes on? I need to talk to you about something."

There. That wasn't so bad. I felt confident with my firm tone, and moved toward the couch. When Kunsel emerged from the bedroom though, I plopped down in dismay…He'd ignored my clothing request. Before I could protest he was in my lap, straddling me with a twinkle in his eyes. I threw my hands up, pushing back against his chest as he leaned in to kiss me.

"Kuns, I'm serious. We need to talk, and it'd be better if you-"

"I can't _talk _when I'm like this," he insisted, grabbing my hand and moving it toward his erection.

_No, no, no…_I pulled my hand back in a hurry, like it had been burned by the touch. This was not where I wanted to be, not who I needed to have. There was nothing here, no spark between us- nothing drawing me in. Just…Kunsel. It was very tempting to just push him off my lap entirely, but it felt too cruel when he was looking at me with so much desperation. If I could just get the words out, he'd move on his own.

"Kuns, please," I tried, tugging my hand back as he tried to playfully grab it again. "I can't do this."

"Let me then."

I felt like a prisoner, chained to that spot beneath him as he pleaded with for me for release. I couldn't help him…wouldn't touch him that way. I didn't look away as he met my eyes, hoping he'd see my distress and take a hint. If he noticed, it didn't bother him- he began pumping his erection, oblivious to how uncomfortable I was. I was afraid to touch him at that point- if I pushed him away, it almost felt like I'd be involving myself in the ordeal, and I just wanted nothing to do with it. All I could manage was to look away, picking a spot on the wall to fixate on until he was done.

Looking away didn't drown out the sounds he was making though. It didn't numb the feeling of him writhing in my lap and trying to grind some kind of reaction out of my body. It was the most animated he'd ever been...he couldn't have tried any harder, and I couldn't have wanted him any less. It was bizarre to think that I'd ever managed to be with him. Now that Cloud was a part of my life, everyone else just seemed so unappealing.

I heard the short, disappointed sigh escape his lips, but my lack of reaction didn't stop him either. If anything, it seemed to be encouraging him, but it was a pointless effort. How could he not see? I was leaning as far back as I could, eyes locked onto a wall to the right, hands tucked behind my back...If none of that showed my disinterest, I didn't know what else would.

I knew him. The way his breathing was changing and the sounds he was making...he was getting close to the edge, and if this was really how he wanted it...It made no sense to me, but I'd let him finish this one last time. I closed my eyes when he gasped, wanting to give him some semblance of privacy as he spurted onto my gym shirt. I was too disgusted with myself to be bothered by it- I'd change and try to forget it ever happened after I explained everything to Cloud.

"Zack…" His breathing was still ragged as he tried to grasp at the hem of my shirt- that was when I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed him from my lap to the next cushion, ignoring the hurt look in his eyes. I had to do _something _to make him stop and listen. "Are you okay?"

"I'll change after you leave," I told him, crossing my arms so he'd stop trying to grab my hands. "Kuns, I'm sorry I let you do that. I need to talk to you-"

"Sorry? I liked it, Zack. I just wish-"

"Please let me finish."

"I'm trying to, but-"

I swatted his hand away as he tried to reach between my legs, frustrated that he was still trying. How could he not get it at this point? "I'm serious," I said, using a tone I typically saved for enemies in the field. I'd never needed to be so clear with _anyone _I actually cared about before- even when I was joking half the time people usually knew when I _meant _something. He straightened in his position, silently staring back at me this time. "I can't be with you anymore, Kuns."

"What do you mean?"

What else could I mean? I didn't know how he didn't understand. We hadn't had sex since at least a month before Angeal died, our missions were on opposite schedules, we barely spoke between those missions- even without Cloud it should have been obvious this wasn't working. Still, I stared back at him, trying to be understanding of his confusion. "You and me, Kuns. It's not working out. I think we should-"

"Do you want to have a more open relationship?" he suggested, hope replacing the concern in his eyes. "It's not ideal for me, but I'd be willing-"

I shook my head slowly, stunned that he was grasping for strings. "No. I don't want to be in any kind of romantic or physical relationship with you. I'd like if we could be friends, but I understand if you need time, or-"

"Time?" he repeated, his mouth hanging open a bit. "You think I don't know what's going on? I tried to be open minded about it, Zack, I really did. I would have even accepted him if you'd asked, even though it would have killed me to share you. I don't understand what you think some _kid _can give you that I can't!"

I had to bite back a series of outraged words, not willing to feed into his anger. He was _right _to be annoyed, even if his words were wrong. "This isn't about anyone other than you and me. It's never been right with us, and I think you know it. From day one-"

"Day one? You mean when I first let you stick it to me?"

I grimaced, not appreciating the bitterness in his tone even if I deserved it. "When you asked me if I'd ever had sex, and suggested we try it out _as friends! _And then the next thing I knew-"

"I thought you agreed because you _liked _me the same way I liked you!"

"That's not what we talked about! I used to think I had said something wrong, or that it was just a miscommunication, but-"

He rose to his feet before glowering down at me. "Are you trying to say that I _purposefully…_"

I hadn't even meant to bring it up. It had been a passing thought that Cloud mentioned when I told him more about my weird relationship with Kunsel. There was no way my best friend would do that to me, so I dismissed the idea entirely. The look on his face as I stared up at him though...it told a very different story than whatever he was trying to say.

"Kuns." The room felt like it was spinning as it hit me...this really may have happened. All this time I thought I had been taking advantage of him, when really, he was just as guilty. "You manipulated me...into being with you?"

He crossed his arms loosely, dropping his gaze. "It wasn't like that."

"Are you denying it?"

"No, I-"

"Kuns!" I cut him off, finally catching his eyes. I could see the answer in them, but I needed him to admit it. "Did you get me to sleep with you so that you could tell people we were together?"

"Zack..." He paused a moment, shifting in his position. "I knew you wouldn't deny it...not after that," he muttered, his voice so soft that I barely heard it. If I hadn't been sitting, I was sure I would have fallen down...everything I thought I knew about this 'relationship'...everything I had tried to make myself feel...I couldn't even look at him as I soaked in his admission, but I heard the shuffling of his feet. "I'm going to get dressed."

I was thankful for his absence, still trying to fathom what had just happened. A year of my life, spent in a lie...I'd known that already, but _this _lie felt worse. It didn't hurt the way I would have expected, but it was a lot to process. I didn't know _what _to feel.

He reappeared after a few minutes, staring down at me with a blank expression. I matched it, not even able to shake my head. I really didn't know him at all.

"Even if you don't need time, I think I do."

"Zack…I really do love you," Kunsel said, the fondness in his tone tugging at my last remnant of guilt. It was enough to get me to look up once more, but not enough to make me believe him. He had no idea what love was. "I thought if we could just be together, you'd eventually like me too. That you'd grow to love me, too."

"I don't know if it matters, but…I thought I'd eventually like you too," I admitted, letting out a short sigh. He had been wrong, but there was no point in denying that I had been wrong as well. If I wanted to put all this behind me, it seemed like I had to get everything out in the open now. "I just don't."

"That's not true," he told me, sitting by my side once more. "You're just too distracted to see it. It's temporary though. He'll lose his charm, and you'll remember me. You'll remember how this can be. I've always been here for you, and when he's gone, I'll still be here for you." He put his hand on my knee leaning in close- it was futile though. I grabbed his wrist, throwing his hand away from me before jumping from the couch entirely. I glared down at him, ready to snap if he tried one more time to do _anything_. "Fine. I'll just go."

I watched as he rose to his feet, stepping back tentatively. He seemed like he finally understood though, not even trying to meet my eyes as he moved toward the door. It wasn't until he had stepped out that I felt any relief...I'd been carrying around so much guilt, and I was free of it. The entire thing left a bad taste in my mouth, but it was over, and I was glad. Maybe I should have felt hurt or betrayed- maybe I should have felt confused or lost. I just didn't care about any of that now that he was gone.

Cloud was all that mattered. Nothing else had to make sense. I wanted to call him- to tell him everything so I could hurry up and forget about it...and if it weren't for the dampness on my shirt, I would have. It was just an unpleasant reminder of what had happened, and changing my shirt wouldn't suffice- I couldn't call him while I felt so filthy.

I'd have to shower first.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

Hardest. Thing. To. Write. Ever. I'm so dramatic. It _was _though!

Reviews? I know, this one was kinda messed up. I think that's why it took so long, I couldn't wrap my head around it. I hope it came across properly.


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